In dreams I see a smiling family and fuzzy lights and hugs and cookies on Christmas. Happy family dinners and always a warm house to come home to.
But it’s not like that.
I’m not for sure why I’m sharing this with all of you, maybe just to get it out. My father is a mean, aggressive, scary man. As far back as I remember we’ve never had a good holiday, a normal dinner out, or just an all around good day. My brother has been moved out for 4 years. At home it’s just my mother and I. It makes me want to vomit when I see how horrible my father is to her. If I step in, it only gets worse.
That’s enough of that mopey shit. My father was an alcoholic for many years. He ended up getting liver disease and somehow, miraculously he survived. It has been 25 years since he had a drink of alcohol. Well, tonight I got a call from my mother at the police station. My father had been picked up IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN for a DUI. We don’t know how long he had been lying to us. He was on several depression medicines/sleep aids. I’ve currently had people calling me all night because they saw him not cooperating and fighting the officers(or trying to)
All I know is that when my mother goes to bail him out tonight at 11 (i begged her to leave him there) I’m scared of what is going to happen. I don’t know what feels worse, knowing that this is the man i call my dad, or knowing that I feel no love for him
I don’t want anyone to think I’m a horrible person. I try so hard to love him, and I just can’t. I just know that when I have children they will be loved. So loved.
please, if you pray keep me and my mother in your prayers tonight. if you don’t, wish us luck.
I’ve recently started to lose my hair. I have LOADS of hair, appearantly, but around the hairline it is thinning and falling out. Since I’m a hairstylist, I automatically knew what was wrong. I have begun to suffer from traumatic alopecia. Which can be caused my genetics, or stress.
This is going to make me stronger, I just know it.
I sit alone in my room and wonder if I want it enough. Do I really have a passion for anything that I am doing in my life? Do I obsess over it? Do I fill my mind with dreams and inspiration like I say I do? Could my mind possibly understand what it’s like to have a heart full of passion, or vice versa?
Sometimes I worry that I am a sad excuse for a person. I don’t remember feeling. Not just the regular twitch inside your mind, but really feeling. The get out of bed run to your lover passionate feeling. Through out my day I block out a lot of voices, a lot of touches, a lot of everyone. Am I suppose to be alone? It scares me that I’d rather be alone with myself than with anyone.
I struggle to be someone I am not. I don’t know where to find K. As of this past month I don’t even know how to fix my hair, eat, count my freckles, feel the air, write in cursive.
Do I write in cursive? do i cut the crusts off my sandwiches? do i cry because i’m sad or because of something deeper that I don’t know? ever since i have started school i’ve felt like i wasn’t really me before.
for now i only know that my name is kalea, and i’m lost.
To me, we make things that we somehow believe in. I wake up in the morning and can still see my dreams so vividly. There’s nothing I can quite remember about them, but it’s as if I saw new colors I had never seen before. I can always see peoples smiles. Always. I want my soul to shine through in everything that I do, that I touch, that I create. You become amazing when you feel amazing. I’m not going to upload just to upload. I’ll upload when I have a feeling, when I have a purpose. When I want to show you all what I see.