a letter I wrote to a bully at my school, during treatment.
I call you a person because you have feelings and you have worth. I say this because you should know that I have feelings and I have worth as well. You see, I think beauty is something that drowns you. Beauty is a weapon. You used it with deadly force and tore down my walls that I built up so high. Beauty is suffocating. Beauty is a dull dagger that hangs at your side.
I guess what I’m trying to tell you, is that if the person I have to become to be beautiful is anything but flawed than I hope no single person will think I’m beautiful. I am not the ocean’s crashing wave, I am not the dull ache in young hearts. I simply am, and you will never know my beauty.”
Almost 2 years binge/purge free.
1 year self harm free.
When i feel like I’m going nowhere, I remember that I made it through and feel okay.
Thanks for the support, always. <3
The things people never talk about.
When I opened up with my battle for life basically, I talked about a lot of the good things that I had made it through. I think it’s very important to look at the goods and the positives of recovery because that’s what recovery is about.
However, I don’t believe in candy-coating the consequences. I don’t believe in keeping the bad things from people because that’s what makes the good things so good.
Through my eating disorder I completely abolished my immune system. Even though I am overweight now(a consequence of eating right). I catch everything. I get everything. Infection spreads through me like wildfire.
My kidneys are weak. This will be my second kidney infection - the first one almost got me. I went to the doctor and got the proper meds, but now my ears are infected, my sinuses are infected - I have to make sure it doesn’t spread to my heart.
Please don’t do this to yourself. Please let me be an example of a consequence. Love your body and love yourself.
"i skipped group this morning. i couldn’t stand to see the group leader’s smile or hear anymore horrible stories. i couldn’t find the voice to talk about the things that don’t make sense inside my head. they always want a reason for feeling something, for doing something. i can’t tell you the reason that i sit and watch my mother cry because i refuse to eat. i can’t tell you the reason that my brother has to force me to take multivitamins so my bones don’t become brittle and break. you see, when i look in the mirror i don’t see someone who is 200 pounds heavier, or an elephant or whatever they assume i see. i see black. i see cold. i see someone so ugly that i can hardly stand to be awake at that point in time. i don’t think you just wake up one day and feel like that. i think someone or somebodies tells you that you’re worthless enough that you start to believe it. you start to become a brick in an endless ocean and there is nowhere to go but down. i’m not trying to be the skinniest. i’m not trying to be the prettiest. i’m trying to disappear, and i don’t know what scares me more - the fact that i want to be invisible, or the fact that someone got enough control over me that i was willing to drown."
"today everything is sadness.
i woke up and felt sadness. i showered and was pelted with depression. my cereal was sadness, and the juice that followed was worse. they say you are what you eat and i think i must eat despair.
i wait for the day when everything is extraordinary.”